Moving from duty to devotion

and how ethics can inform our perspective

As a well-being leader and coach, I am honored to hold space for people who are wrestling with burnout, exhaustion, conflict, change and uncertainty. I love the opportunity to be a reflective listener, witnessing people move through what is hard, and through the process see new choices and possibilities. A secondary gift of this role is the deepening in understanding of myself and my fellow humans, and the inner challenges we face.

The concepts of duty and obligation have been weaved throughout my work and personal experience. I’ve witnessed how having a sense of duty can motivate us to serve other humans, a cause, or belief. Professionally, a duty to care for people during illness was a core driver in pursuing medicine. Duty and obligation can feel like universal values or morals that we all believe in.

But, I’ve come to question a universal appreciation for the value of duty. I’ve felt and observed the shadow side of depending on duty and obligation as core motivators. I’ve observed colleagues continue with aspects of their work when it causes them pain, suffering, and burnout. I’ve coached folks who feel stuck and without choices because of a narrative about their personal duty to a cause or person. I’ve experienced the emotional drain of continuing to show up out of duty. Duty asks the question ‘if not me, then who?’¹

Duty is defined as a moral or legal obligation; a task or action that someone is required to perform. It’s linked with the institutions of religion and to me feels rooted in paternalism. It can imply something expected of you by someone else or that something owed to other people. But who do we ‘owe’ and what do we ‘owe’ and who decided this?

Our cultural sense of duty stems from many arenas - military culture, religious teachings, gendered expectations, and perspectives of what is moral. This last reason - morals - is where I’ve spent the most time thinking. Is being dutiful a moral imperative, especially if it is harming me or someone else in the process? The belief that duty is moral stems from deontological ethics. This framework centers what is right and wrong based on what people do rather than the outcome of actions.

“Duty-based ethics teaches that some acts are right or wrong because of the sorts of things they are, and people have a duty to act accordingly, regardless of the good or bad consequences that may be produced.”²

It's in this frame that we create narratives that certain actions are inherently good, or bad, regardless of looking at the actual outcome of a choice. For example, continuing to contort ourselves to meet the expectations of others, so as not to disappoint them, could be deemed a ‘duty’ that is worthwhile because it is the ‘right’ thing to do. But many of us recognize that sometimes our dutiful actions actually result in an undesirable outcome. We are resentful or burned out because we don’t meet our own needs. In my experience, physicians can feel stuck in medicine, thinking it is the only way they can be of service to others, even though objectively we recognize there are infinite ways to be and do good in the world.

I think there are times when duty or obligation (doing something because it is the ‘right’ thing) has some benefit. I think back to trips hiking in the mountains. It's proper etiquette for folks going down the mountain to pause and allow hikers going up to have the right of way. This allows for structure, a common expectation, and supports the person doing the harder job (hiking up) to keep going. It is the duty of the person going downhill to pause. I can get on board with that kind of duty, it creates conditions for us to be in community.

But there are so many times when I’ve felt duty is not the best moral framework. When duty feels inauthentic, forced, or even harmful. Where it becomes a way to wield power over people, suggesting it is their duty to do something that is the rule or norm created by someone else that doesn’t benefit them and maybe even causes harm.

It has brought me to the question of what does it mean to be ‘good’ and live from an inner sense of direction? I’ve probably always subscribed to the belief that the outcome of our actions is incredibly important in determining what is good or right. Emphasis on the outcome of an action aligns with teleological ethics, the “theory of morality that derives duty or moral obligation from what is good or desirable as an end to be achieved”. I’m not an expert on philosophy, but this frame of ethics seems to align with trusting our own intuition about what is right and wrong. It offers discernment - what is good, what is a desirable outcome? 

What this line of ethics misses, however, is how often we don’t have control over the outcome. Our own choices can feel small on a global scale of impact. Or we overestimate our impact, which has its own risks. It seems that it all comes down to discernment, knowing our own values, and moving toward a life of inner integrity.

Do not try to save
the whole world
or do anything grandiose.
Instead, create
a clearing
in the dense forest
of your life
and wait there
patiently,
until the song
that is your life
falls into your own cupped hands
and you recognize and greet it.
Only then will you know
how to give yourself to this world
so worthy of rescue.

by Martha Postlethwaite

Shifting frames

In my life and as a coach, I’ve witnessed the transformation that occurs when we do things out of an energetic ‘yes’, rather than a reluctant ‘ok’. As I’ve reflected on this, I’ve often wondered what the counter to ‘duty’ might be. When we let go of duty, how do we not lose our shared humanity, need for community, care, relationship and support? How can we let go of cultural obligation, while not buying into a rugged individualism that forgets our interdependence?

In this exploration, I became pulled to the idea of devotion. In my life, I’ve found there is power and energy when I feel drawn to something out of love, loyalty, and enthusiasm. I am not drained in the same way when I act out of devotion, compared to when I’m do things out of duty. Devotion is relationship oriented. It is about connection. It feels self-driven, self-led. Devotion feels like pouring out, whereas duty feels like being pulled or drained. 

Another word I’ve found helpful is social responsibility. This is simply the act of thinking of others - not only yourself - when you make decisions. I notice this term doesn’t say, thinking only of others. It's a both - and. It allows for us to care about ourselves and others at the same time, as opposed to the self-sacrifice that is often implied with duty. 

I believe there is an energetic shift that happens when we move from duty to devotion. We tap into our intrinsic goodness, our love, our compassion, our motivation. We move from a self-led place, rather than from a stuck place. We get to act from choice. 

Putting this into action

Doing this requires that we work with the stories and beliefs around obligation and duty. If we are feeling resentful and burned out from an obligation, there is likely a need, preference or desire in ourselves that is being dampened or pushed out due to the obligation. A good example from parenting is this:

  “It's my duty to be home with my kids every evening after work to spend time with them and put them to bed.”

This might be perfectly acceptable to some of us. We do this out of love and devotion for our kids and our desire to be present. We may also do it because we don’t have many other choices, no family around, and minimal extra money to get a sitter. But if we are feeling resentful, exhausted or burned out by this pattern, we are probably in the shadow side of duty and obligation. 

So we can ask what beliefs are behind this thought:

• Do I believe this is what it means to be a good parent? Is this true?

• What need or desire am I neglecting in order to uphold this duty?

• How might I be a good parent and meet my own needs? 

I want to pause for a privilege check - we all have varying levels of choice in this situation, and some of us have fewer than others. And yet there are usually more choices than we realize. 

Things that fill me up, connect me to my creativity, build friendships, or even allow a few minutes of peace - these help me show up as a ‘good mom’. They support me in showing up out of devotion and love, rather than obligation. But doing so usually requires me to take time away from parenting, too. This might look like a short break to my room to read for a few minutes alone (yes someone will bother me, but I tell them I am reading and will be out in a few minutes). It could be a dance class, a walk with a friend, or ten minutes in the garden. We often get stuck in duty because we have trouble seeing the micro and macro choices we have to honor ourselves, while caring for people or causes that are important to us. This is an invitation to ask yourself, what choices might help me honor myself in this space? What would devotion look like?

We live in a time of great need, as we watch crisis after crisis. These times call to us to consider how we want to show up, and what values we wish to embody. I invite you to consider how you might respond to one of these needs with devotion and love, both for yourself and for others.

I wish you small and large moments this week to pause, reflect, and connect to joy.

Sarah

1. I think this question is a human one, and in the modern era it has been attributed to Travis Manion

2. https://www.bbc.co.uk/ethics/introduction/duty_1.shtml