What are you feeling?
How one simple question completely upended my understanding of myself and the life I was living
The moment and realization of how disconnected I was from my internal experience is still so vivid in my mind. I remember sitting in my therapist’s office, across from her on the couch. You know those cozy yet awkward couches in a therapist’s office, where you try to make yourself comfortable as you simultaneously spill your most inner thoughts and experiences and also attempt to appear “ok”.
Her office was bright, light filtering in through the windows, bookshelves lined with psychology books and other clinical references. I had serendipitously found my therapist when her private practice group had sent fliers to the Internal Medicine clinic I worked at, informing me of the services so I could refer my patients there. Turns out I did refer someone there, myself.
I found my therapist at a time in my life when I felt utterly lost, alone and unsure of how to move forward. Directionless. Untethered. Toppled over the by the waves of unacknowledged and unprocessed childhood trauma, in the throes of mothering two children 3 and under, working full time as a PA, and in a marriage that was struggling to sustain itself.
But I was fine. I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. Just keep smiling, pushing through, taking care of everyone and everything other than the nagging truth living in my gut. SOMETHING ISNT RIGHT. That irksome feeling that something was out of alignment, off, fragmented.
“My body was trying to tell me secrets that I hadn’t know how to listen to before.”
-Prentis Hemphill, What It Takes to Heal
What I discovered when I started therapy was that what “wasn’t right” was my disconnection from myself, my emotions, needs, wants and desires. How had I created a life that felt like something I was watching from the outside? I was so attuned to the needs of others that I had no idea what I actually wanted or needed to feel fulfilled, fully alive and integrated.
I remember sitting on the awkward yet comfy couch and having my therapist ask me, “What are you feeling?” It was such a simple question, yet I paused. I stared at her blankly and said, “I have no idea.” Other than “not right” I couldn’t muster the words to describe what I was feeling in my body or mind. She handed me two sheets of laminated paper - one was a list of emotions, and another was a list of body sensations.
How could I not even know how to describe what I was feeling? I had spent countless hours reading self-help books, journaling, practicing yoga, exercising, and listening to podcasts. I thought I was a person who “took care of themselves” and was self-aware but when asked a simple question about what I was feeling in my body I had no idea how to answer. This perplexed me, causing disorientation and confusion about how I could have arrived in this place, so disconnected from my authentic experience.
I was living in my head, lost in the thoughts, stories, and beliefs about myself and the world. The cost of living this way is that I was cut off from the wisdom and messages of my bodily sensations and emotions. For most of my life I had intermittent stomach aches, nausea, and IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) type symptoms. I could never pinpoint what was causing this, constantly searching for the dietary trigger that might be the culprit. What started to become clear as I reconnected to my body-mind was how my emotional state, unmetabolized grief and unprocessed trauma was directly connected to the sensations I was feeling in my body, specifically my GI issues.
To be clear, this isn’t to say that every physical sensation or symptom we experience is directly related to an emotion, trauma or grief. Our bodies are amazingly complex and mysterious, the site of disease, illness, vitality and so much more. What opened up for me through this experience was a curiosity about the body-mind connection. I started to pay attention in a new way, wondering what the tightness in my chest or clenching in my gut might be communicating to me.
What might I learn about my experience, limits, needs or longings when I tune into my bodily sensations and emotions?
Beginning to pay attention and attune to my inner world wasn’t easy, I spent most of my time as a caregiver personally and professionally. Constantly attuning to my children’s, families, and patient’s needs, wishes, and problems. I could sit effortlessly across from a patient and listen deeply and with compassion to what they were experiencing, noticing the subtle shifts in their bodies, picking up on the nuance of an off handed comment or facial expression. Validating their experience, providing guidance, and care. Charting a direction forward by noticing and tuning into their emotions, stories, and bodies.
As a woman and a healthcare provider I am socialized to constantly focus externally, noticing what other’s need, bending and contorting myself to meet the demands of whatever role my caregiving lands me in. I am taught that my worth as a woman and mother lies in my ability to nurture and care for those in my life.
And to be clear, I love taking care of my children, family and patients. Caregiving, nurturing and mothering is a beautiful gift that I bring to this world. However, when I lacked the skills, boundaries and insight to connect to myself, the balance was thrown off, and I was dragged down by the weight of one-sided caregiving. This way of navigating the world was working for me, until it wasn’t. That day on the couch, eight years ago I began the slow journey of remembering and reconnecting to my emotions, body sensations, needs, wants, desires and limits.
In therapy sessions now, Elise asks me, “How are you?” and rather than responding quickly with “fine” (which she went on to tell me stood for freaked out, insecure, neurotic and exhausted) I close my eyes, take a breath, pause and actually notice what is happening inside of me.
My experience in therapy has been one of the ways I began to understand myself, my patterns, protective mechanisms and traumatic responses. My therapist contextualized my experience as a woman in a system of patriarchy and within white supremacy culture which demands perfection, favors rational thought rather than feeling and promotes individualism.
This greater understanding of the cultural waters I was swimming in alongside my early childhood experience, opened up some space for me to begin to choose new ways of being in the world. To shed some of the shame and blame of “this is my fault and I am bad” and lean into self-compassion, aligning with MY values, and taking responsibility to show up differently.
What began as an individual journey of understanding my own feelings, sensations, thoughts and behaviors opened up into a healing journey that is personal and collective. Because of course, the two can never be separated.
Prentis Hemphill speaks beautifully to this in their book, What It Takes To Heal. They say,
“Over time, I have come to understand social transformation (the push for more just systems and policies) and personal transformation (healing our own trauma and reshaping our relationships) have to happen together. Not one or the other, but both. We neglect ourselves or our growth in our rush to change what is external. When we do, we fracture, and succumb to what we are unwilling to face.”
We must do both. Tend to our inner worlds, learn how to feel and be in our bodies, unpack and gently heal our trauma, and allow ourselves to grieve what has been lost. From this place, in small ways we can begin to embody and practice new and different ways of showing up in our lives, personally, professionally and in community. This is where real change and transformation begins.
Who knew that what began on my therapists couch many years ago with the simple question, “What are you feeling?” would lead me on this wild, winding journey of learning, unlearning and reimagining what it means to be a woman, mother, wife, daughter, white person, friend, community member, healthcare provider and so much more.
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You are invited to reflect on these questions:
What are you feeling today?
What do you notice in your body when you turn your attention inward? Is it possible to make a little space to just be with what is there without fixing or pushing anything away?
What are you unlearning or learning that is allowing you to show up more authentically in your life and in alignment with what matters most to you?
Upcoming Offerings
Sarah Webber and I offer a unique virtual program for women in medicine, and we would love to have you join us! More info HERE. Our next program starts in October 2024. So much of what we offer in that program was born from our experiences that we write about here on our Substack. We would be honored to have you connect with us in a community of women. Please reach out with any questions!
Grief and Loss Community Circles
Join me for a 75 minute circle that is a space to be witnessed in your grief and loss. An opportunity to companion yourself and one another through the universal experience of grief and loss
Each circle includes:
Introduction and group sharing guidelines.
A short theme, poem or pondering about grief and loss.
A guided centering meditation to explore how grief and loss is being experienced in your body, heart and mind.
Time for journaling/self-reflection
A sharing circle where you can be deeply listened to while also deeply listening to others.
Closing and integration practice
One virtual circle per month and two in person circles in Madison, Wisconsin
More info HERE