True versus good
Feeling the shifts from the inside out
I recently listened to this conversation between Tara Brach and Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. Rosemerry is one of my favorite poets and writes poignant, beautiful poems about love, loss and everything in between. At the beginning of their conversation Tara asked Rosemerry how she developed and sustained the habit of writing one poem every day, a practice she has continued for almost twenty years. Rosemerry said, “I couldn’t write something good every day… But could I write something true every day? Yes, I could write something true every day.”
This struck me deeply. The orientation towards what is true vs what is good. How does that shift that way we show up in the world, create, make choices, parent, love one another, and move through life?
When I consider orienting towards “goodness,” whether that is in writing a post like this, creating a yoga class, offering a grief circle, showing up in a relationship, motherhood or responding to injustice in the world, goodness feels like a small, tight box I try to fit into it. Trying to be good is based on external markers of success, approval, validation, moral codes, cultural expectations or family patterns. Goodness feels like a performance, a test I must pass, a narrow balance beam to walk.
Making choices based on what is true feels spacious, less constrained by meeting someone else’s expectations of how I “should” be. Moving towards truth doesn’t have as many clear cut rules, guidelines or external markers. Therefore, this path can feel shaky, uncertain and scary AND also feels like freedom and possibility.
Growing up within a religious institution there were very clear guidelines about what was “good” and what was not. Goodness as a virtue and goal was placed on a high pedestal, only further increased by the fact that I am a woman. As Elise Loehnen writes in her book On Our Best Behavior,
“Women have been trained for goodness. Meanwhile, men have been trained for power.”
Breaking free from the tangled web of goodness and seeking what is true has been and continues to be a journey I walk every day. It has required me to understand deeply the cultural contexts that led me to this place and to learn new narratives and beliefs about myself, the world and what is possible. This newsletter, Inner Compass, chronicles the journey Sarah and I have walked over the past many years-learning to live from the inside out.
Sarah wrote recently about releasing goals and embracing intentions, speaking to this distinction. Sarah writes, “After many years of working with my inner perfectionist and striver, I had realized that goals were not serving my values. There have been so many times that goal setting gas led me astray, keeping me focused on external validation, external measures of success, or outside advice about what was ‘good’.
She goes on to say, “I’m moving toward what I want with my inner compass as my guide, knowing there is a general direction I want to go, but not overly attached to a specific destination.”
Sarah’s description of orienting towards goals vs intentions captures the felt experience and energy of goodness versus truth. Goals for the sake of “goodness” felt constricting, tight and coming from outside of herself. Intention, cultivated from a space of inner truth and self-trust, felt more spacious, expansive and less linear.
This has shown up for me recently in several arenas-motherhood, work, relationships, activism and engaging with social justice. For example, this past fall in August when I was preparing for my kids to go back to school, I was utterly burnt-out and exhausted. The long summer days of constant kids, caretaking, a son who doesn’t sleep well, a spouse’s busy schedule and my own work responsibilities felt like TOO MUCH. My youngest, who is 4, was registered to go to his local preschool for 4K but would only be attending the AM session (3 hours in the morning).
I remember talking/crying to Sarah about this predicament one warm summer evening as we sat outside on her deck. She suggested that I send Silas to full day 4K in the fall. Immediately, I came up with a barrage of reasons why I couldn’t make that choice-money, that I “should” be spending my time with him, etc. At the crux of it was that I felt like a “good” mother would spend this precious time with her child if she could. That it was selfish or morally wrong to send him for full days.
When I paused and noticed what felt true as I considered sending him to full day school, I noticed a warm expansive feeling spread over me. In that moment I knew, this was my inner compass-my truth, pointing me in a direction that might veer from our narrow cultural norm of what a “good mother” might do but felt like my path.
This is just one small example of how truth vs goodness has shown up in my life. There are multitudes of ways I notice this distinction, big and small, each and every day. The more I pay attention to how I feel when making choices and the more I understand the cultural context and stories that have led me to seek “goodness,” the more space opens up to choose differently. To find little pockets of agency within my life, slowly turning the dial towards an orientation that aligns with my unique gifts, lived experience and purpose.
I invite you to notice how showing up to be “good” versus orienting towards what is “true” feels in your life.
What do you notice in your body?
What stories/beliefs/cultural narratives keep you stuck in “goodness” mode?
What does “truth” or freedom feel like?
I must end with Mary Oliver. This poem has come to mean so much to Sarah and I over the years. What I spent way too many words writing here she captures in this short but potent poem-Wild Geese.
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Finding Freedom in the Now: A Day Long Women’s Retreat
If you are geographically located in the Madison, Wisconsin area and want to join Sarah and I for a retreat in February there are still spots available!
We will explore the places you can invite in a bit more freedom and aliveness into your life- RIGHT now.
There will be a gentle yoga practice, guided visualizations, restorative/rest time, writing practice, solo time, yummy food and time to connect with other women.
Information and register HERE. Early bird discount available through January 11th (TOMORROW)
I love this!!!