Deep listening
Practicing holding complexity and contradiction
As I have been learning to live from the inside out one of the areas I have grown and struggled with the most has been the practice of deep listening. Listening to myself, other people, and the natural world. Making myself receptive, open, present. What do I mean by deep listening? Another way I think about this is embodied listening. Listening through the mind-body-heart.
Many of us have been taught (myself included) to listen in a very cognitive, head-brain type of way. As though listening is akin to receiving data and spitting out an “answer", almost machine-like in our responsiveness. We hear or notice something such as a sound, a thought, a piece of information, a conversation, a sensation in our body, a news cycle. Our brain computes the message into meaning, logical thinking, rational knowing and then we find the answer, the next step, the response, or action.
This way of receiving information and responding is important and necessary. AND there is another way to listen inwardly and outwardly. To hear, notice and intuit beyond the noise, knowledge and conventional ways we may have been taught.
As Sarah and I write about the inner compass, the self-forged path, and knowing what we are feeling, we are really exploring the ways we have begun to listen in a deeper, more embodied way. This form of embodied listening is what has allowed us to navigate life differently, more expansively and in a way that feels uniquely true to each of us.
This has been a practice that I have learned slowly, clumsily, and imperfectly over the years. There is not a simple “Three steps to embodied listening” or a set of rules or a prescription to follow. Certainly, there are traditions and lineages that have practices and rituals that teach these skills and this way of knowing. I have learned from and with many of these sources of wisdom offering contemplative and meditative practices. AND this way of knowing and listening within and without is inherent in each of us. A way of being we can re-member.
In Susan Raffo’s excellent book Liberated to the Bone, she explores this topic in a chapter titled Listening: Three or More Brains. She speaks of the different ways we might know, listen and receive information. She labels these forms of intelligence as follows:
The Head Brain
The Heart Brain
The Gut Brain
We have been conditioned and taught in our culture to prefer and elevate the head-brain. To favor “knowing things” vs “experiencing things.” This is very much a part of white supremacy culture and a colonized mindset. A belief that rational thought and knowledge are superior, the binary thinking of right vs wrong or good vs evil, and the discounting of emotions and the body as sources of wisdom and intelligence.
What becomes available as we listen deeply to these “Three Brains” within us is a vast and wide array of intelligence, information and instincts. I am certain many of you have experienced the “gut instinct” of the gut-brain. That gnawing feeling inside that something isn’t right, there is more going on than meets the eye. Or the wisdom of the heart-brain, just “knowing in your heart” that is the right direction to move in.
Does every decision become super easy to make once you are listening with all three brains? Are you able to move decisively through life, following the intelligence of the head, heart and gut? Just following your bliss and joy as you live in alignment with your values.
In my experience the practice sounds simple, yet it rarely is. (and that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong)
I think far too often in the “wellness” or self-help world we are sold this idea that if we just learn to know ourselves, become more embodied or align with our values each decision or choice becomes easy to make. What has been true for me is that when I have a deeper sense of connection to my inner wisdom and three-brain intelligence I can more intuitively follow a path that feels authentic AND making decisions and navigating life can still be hard.
My experience of listening in these ways has allowed me to feel a deeper sense of inner direction (NOTE-not always easy or super clear at first) AND has allowed me to sit with the contradictions and complexity that arises within the body-mind-heart. Susan Raffo explains,
“We can practice listening through all of our brains rather than primarily through one or two.
We can connect with the world in a conscious and intentional way, experiencing the sometimes contradictory information that comes in through our head, heart and gut.”
Ok, let me give you an example. Recently I was offered a work opportunity that would involve a small weekly commitment for most of this year, doing work that mattered to me, was of interest and aligned with my values. I felt honored to be asked to help out with this role and also excited about the opportunity to learn and grow.
Immediately, my mind was busy thinking, planning, considering if this would be a good option for me or not. I instinctively wanted to say yes. I could feel the excitement building and also the desire to please the person asking me. I noticed an open-hearted feeling of connection and longing as I thought about this opportunity. Simultaneously, I felt a little nagging in my gut. A really small feeling of, “no, not right now.” I quickly pushed that aside and jumped on the excited, “yes” train. I noticed a voice inside telling me, “You should say yes to this, this would be a good opportunity for you. She asked you so obviously she thinks you are right for this. It makes sense to say yes. It’s not that big of a time commitment.” Then seconds later, the pit in my stomach. The whisper of “not now, not yet.”
This was all happening in split seconds and included contradictory and conflicting messages. At that moment I was able to stay present enough to see it all rising up.
The head brain: rationalizing, planning, thinking into the future, the “shoulds”
The heart brain: longing for connection, feeling gratitude, moving towards connection through pleasing
The gut brain: telling me NO, nagging feeling, a pit in my stomach
Learning to listening deeply means making room for the complexity and contradictions that are inherent in being human.
Learning to listen deeply means allowing space to feel, notice, and pause. Holding the tension between the yes’s, no’s and not right now’s.
I ended up saying yes. I emailed her and said I would be happy to help out. Phew, that was over. I listened in, weighed my options and decided.
Over the next few weeks as the start date drew near, I noticed I started to feel a sense of dread. A heaviness in my body and sense of constriction when I thought about this project. The pit in my stomach, churning, reminding me of what I didn’t want to hear at the moment. I pushed it off, ignoring those sensations and information. “No, I’m probably just nervous.” or “This is just a transition time, getting the kids back to school, getting into a new routine. That’s why it feels off.” Sometimes it’s the hardest to tell the truth to ourselves and to believe what our body-mind-heart wants us to know.
Just a few days before the project was set to start, I was sitting out on my deck. All three of my kids were back in school so I had a moment to myself to just BE. I was creating my intentions for this new season I was entering. I was creating some space to pause and listen through my mind-heart-gut connection. One of the ways I am able to listen deeply is when I am alone outside in the natural world. It feels as though my “three brains” align more easily when I am listening into the intelligence of the natural world. Basically-I need to get out of my own way.
I listened into the spaciousness of the sky, into the gentleness of the breeze, into the brightness of the sun, into the rootedness of the trees, into the fluttering of the butterfly and the chirping of the birds. What came next was a knowing that I felt deep in my bones. “This is a season for listening, for less doing, more being, slowing down, and spaciousness.” I knew then what the pit in my stomach was trying to tell me earlier, this wasn’t the right time to commit to this project. With some trepidation, nervousness and clarity I emailed the person running the project and told her I was no longer able to help. I wrote words that were clear and true. I felt a sprinkle of anxiety and butterflies in my stomach, a lightness in my heart, and some questions in my mind. AND I felt sturdy and rooted-able to hold the tension of all the complexity that is part of this human experience.
This is a micro example within the macrocosm of what deep listening really means to me and why it is so important as I navigate my life from my inner compass. I share this to normalize how hard it can be to really know what we want all of the time and to give ourselves permission to change our minds.
Deep listening is about belonging to myself so deeply I can make space for my full humanity to be held, understood and allowed. Listening and understanding my mind and thoughts which are amazing and also a freaking mess at times. Feeling the longings of my heart, the depth of emotion and connection held in this space. The sensations of the gut, the clenching, butterflies, the yes’s, no’s and maybe’s. Making space to experience my life rather than “know” exactly what to do.
Ultimately, listening in to find that the deeper I go inside myself the more I am connected to everything around me. The more space I create to listen to and attune to the intelligence of the natural world, the deeper I feel connected to my singular self. This is a messy, imperfect, confusing, vital, and paradoxical place to live from and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
If I had to bullet point the “process” of deep listening, I think it would go like this:
Find a practice that allows you to start to tune in to the sensations, thoughts and emotions that are present within you (examples include meditation, yoga, writing, singing, walking, dancing, etc.)
When making decisions or facing uncertainty intentionally listen in to your Three Brains-head, heart and gut
Allow space for complexity and contradictory messages, thoughts, sensations and emotions (i.e. paradox-this doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong, oftentimes it’s just part of the process)
Find support and space within a community -this could be humans or the more than human world (nature, animals, spirits, ancestors)
Just take the next right step and make lots of space for missteps, detours, and know YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND
DNDS-Do Not Disappoint Self. A friend told me this acronym a couple years ago and it pops into my head when making decisions or navigating life from my inner compass (as a recovering people pleaser this is really important for me to remember again and again)
We would love to hear from you!
What is your process of deep listening like?
What is your experience life of listening in to your head-brain, heart-brain and gut-brain? Is this a new practice for you or something you have done for a while?
How do you navigate the tension of contradictory or complex messages you receive from your head-heart-gut?